When I first became a mom, I thought I needed to devote every waking, and non-waking, hour of the day to my child. I thought my child always came first, and that if I didn't think about or put my child first always, that I was a terrible mother. As the years went by, and I became a mom of two, I realized how my thoughts were a disservice to myself AND my children. I noticed that working both my businesses and taking care of my kids, mostly alone as my husband often travels for business, was taking a toll on me. It was also taking a toll on the relationship I was cultivating with my babies.
I was tired, irritable, and all I thought about was what needed to get done. I began to seclude myself away from people and deny myself simple necessities, including the joy of life. Add in postpartum depression aggravated by anxiety and PTSD from my childhood, and it was a cocktail for a miserable mom. I was becoming a fraction of the person I used to be and a person I despised. My husband pushed for me to do things for myself, take time away from my kids, but I always felt guilty. I felt un-deserving. I felt as if I was terrible mom to want time away. After a lot of inner-reflection, I realized that my childhood had taught me that I was not worthy of many, many things.
As my 30's were coming to a close, I knew I needed to change. I knew I needed to begin my 40's with a new mindset and a new way of treating myself, for myself, my children and my family. One of the things I knew I needed to implement was self-care, but I wasn't exactly sure what self-care was. According to articles and advertisements, self-care was a pedicure or a facial, a new outfit or going on vacation. As a work-from-home mom on a budget, a lot of those things weren't possible for me, at least not on a regular basis. So what was I to do? I rarely had time to do things when I didn't have my kids in tow. I didn't have a lot of money to spend on new clothes or vacations, or even a gym membership for that matter. It took about a year, a lot of soul-searching, and guidance from a therapist til I finally figured out what I could do for self-care.
I realized that my guide to self-care hinged on one question...'What brings me joy?"
The trick to self-care is doing something for yourself that brings you joy. For me, it's usually something creative or exercise. For example a few weeks ago I took a watercolor class. I've always wanted to learn watercolor and I finally found a single class from a local artist. It was so much fun and brought my creativity, and spirit, to life. I felt exhilarated afterwards and like my youthful self again. Can I do that every week? No, because it costs money that I don't always have, but it's something I can do periodically. It's something I can look forward to.
Another aspect of self-care I sometimes have to force myself to do is exercise. I don't always like it, but it makes me feel good and helps me de-stress. My favorite forms of exercise currently are yoga and running. I sometimes throw Barre in the mix, because I can do it from my living room before my kids wake up or during nap time. All these things I can change up according to how I feel and the opportunity I have with my husband's work schedule. As a mom who is often alone at home with the kids, I have to find self-care time in the quietude of my day. I don't have family, friends or on-call babysitters to watch my kids frequently so if my husband is on a trip, I am on my own.
Some days I can't look at my work another minute without my body cringing with stress. So on those days, I pull out one of my cross-stitch projects, plop on the couch, and watch a girly movie or my latest Netflix show. Other days, once my son is off to school and my daughter is awake, I take us out to breakfast, or to our nearby pool to let the cool water revive me. Sure my toddler is with me, but for me, just being submerged in water is like a spiritual rejuvenation. Some nights, I have wine for dinner. Although I try to refrain from drinking alcohol regularly, as I have come to realize I am a lot more irritable and angry the day after I drink, I will imbibe from time-to-time just to relax my constantly flourishing, ADHD brain. Some times, my self-care is buying myself a new lipstick or painting my nails, because it helps me feel feminine and beautiful. Other days I do a short meditation, spend 10 minutes writing in my gratitude journal, or play YouTube affirmations while I drive.
The trick to self-care is indulging YOUR desires and engaging in activities that bring YOU joy. Self-care isn't a one-time fix for the stresses of parenthood. It's not a, 'have a manicure and all of your mom-stresses will be washed away'. Self-care is a regimen that we need to employ regularly as it benefits us on a physical, mental and spiritual level. You may not always plainly see, or feel, the positive effects of self-care, but stick with it and your life can change in very positive ways. It's important for you to feel joy. It's important for you to feel childhood exuberance. It's important for you to be happy, for yourself and your children. Let yourself have fun. Let yourself play. Let yourself feel excitement and wonder at the world around you, because if you can't, how can you help your children do the same?